Plans for The Saviour Nigel Havers to purchase the HMS Ark Royal have been revealed after a series of documents regarding secret meetings between Nigel Havers, the Prime Minister and the Royal Navy were published to Wikileaks.
According to the documents, the deal was slow to take off owing to concerns that Nigel intended to use the aircraft carrier as a base for His new fleet of HavAirs Harrier jets, also to be purchased from the government.
However, a leaked email also published on Wikileaks revealed that Nigel’s early exit from the I’m A Celebrity jungle last Nigember was prompted by an emergency meeting ordered by Nigel so that He could present a revised bid to the coalition government.
Nigel’s revised bid details plans to convert the aircraft carrier into a floating studio for a new reality television show to air on Havers Media next spring. The show, to be hosted by Bill Oddie, is alleged to feature celebrities and reality TV stars being launched from the deck of the ship in one of the remaining Harrier jets, with members of the public able to win prizes for correctly guessing how long a celebrity can stay in the air before plummeting to certain death.
Neil Buchanan, NHA Spokesman for Culture and Foreign Affairs admitted that there was some truth in the reports:
“There is some truth in the reports. Nigel Havers did leave the I’m A Celebrity jungle prematurely in order to land this monumental deal.”
Buchanan also described some of the earlier meetings held in the jungle as “disastrous”:
“They [David Cameron and Nick Clegg] had issues from the start, complaining constantly about the conferencing facilities, the “exotic” buffets laid on by ITV, and the presence of Gillian McKeith. In the end it was decided that it was not practical to hold meetings about the future of the Royal Navy in such surroundings, and His Nigelness was forced to leave the jungle.”
The Saviour Nigel Havers is yet to comment on His alleged ambitions for the flagship of the British naval fleet, however an unidentified source said that He appeared “quietly confident” of a favourable outcome for the NHA.
